The Ideal Cast of Space Jam 2

Last week, Warner Bros. announced a deal with LeBron James, fueling months-long speculation that Space Jam 2 would become a reality.

Those with knowledge of what is good in this world can disregard the following paragraph, but those lacking any appreciation for the benefits of human existence (or those who have parents without much regard for their child’s upbringing) must read on.  Space Jam was a 1996 movie that paired Michael Jordan with the Looney Toons.  The Toons must deal with aliens who come to their world.  Upon being challenged to a basketball game by the Looney Tunes (the stakes of which are whether the Toons can stay in their world or whether they will be shipped to a Mars amusement park), the aliens steal the talent from NBA players and become the Monstars team.  Jordan, retired at this point and moonlighting as a baseball player, is brought to Toon world and must be a player-coach for the Toon Squad, which ends up beating the Monstars, who must then return the talent to the NBA players.  According to the movie, this experience forces MJ to rediscover his love for the game, and he returns to the NBA.  This all occurs during a soundtrack heavy on R. Kelly and the “Y’all Ready for This” techno song, as well as some great Daffy Duck moments.

(As a brief aside, I include the description above because I recently spoke to someone who was born in 1996 and, rather unexpectedly for me, spoke like an adult and not a middle schooler.  When I referenced Duck Hunt and got a blank stare in response, I realized sometimes people need to be taught by their elders about life.  This is one such moment.)

Now that the description is dispensed with, it’s time for real substance.  Space Jam 2 is a questionable endeavor for many, since the first installment was unbelievable.  But, whether it happens or not, we could have a real fun time wondering what a new edition would look like.  Specifically, which of today’s NBA players would have their talent stolen?

For background, Space Jam was filmed at something of a transition period for the NBA.  Specifically, it was just after MJ returned to basketball, and while there were plenty of unreal players at the time, the NBA was a long ways from its hey days of the Celtics-Lakers-Pistons in the 1980s.  The Spurs were good, as were the Rockets and Pacers, and the Jazz and Knicks were part of the equation.  But the NBA world revolved around the Bulls, no matter what, and many of the other stars weren’t close to Jordan’s level of transcendence.

The roster in Space Jam reflects this a bit.  While HOFers Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing were part of the fun, the film team also included Larry Johnson, who had recently signed the most lucrative contract in NBA history to that time (an almost laughable 12-year deal for a now paltry $7 million a year, by the way).  He had attitude and was a good young player who people thought would be around a while.  Muggsy Bogues, the shortest man ever to play in the NBA, added a novelty player given his short size and distinctive voice.

Oh, and Shawn Bradley was there too, somehow.  An alleged defensive shutdown guy, Bradley had a good rookie season after being picked #2 overall.  Around that time he would have agreed to do Space Jam, but before long Bradley became a bust.  The video of the best dunks on Bradley is particularly legendary.

So we’ve got two huge names, an attitude guy who played at the somewhat disgraced early 90s UNLV, a very short true point guard, and a gangly white dude.  I think we can improve on that, while using it as a guideline. Here’s who I would put in this movie, with a few other suggestions.

Point Guard – Chris Paul, LA Clippers

Truth is, the number of true point guards in the NBA now is so tiny.  There also are no more tiny players like Bogues, but at six feet even Chris Paul has to be the guy for this role.  He has the marketability, is well-spoken, and the Monstar Chris Paul would have some great passes through LeBron’s legs.  Seems like a slam dunk for me.

Other Ideas

Russell Westbrook – Might bring the Larry Johnson attitude stuff to the equation, but not enough of a superstar on his own team.

Damien Lillard – Another great passer, but would you know this guy if he walked by you on the street?

Derrick Rose – Each player has to react when their talent is stolen, generally by stumbling around looking lost.  Think Rose could do it without injuring himself?

Shooting Guard – James Harden, Houston Rockets

Had to bat this one back and forth a bit, but Harden’s beard makes it.  Plus, the idea of the movie should be to increase interest in the NBA for younger kids.  As such, Harden will be a star for a while yet, so would be a good inclusion.

Other Ideas

Stephen Curry – Good timing for this guy as a reigning champ and MVP.  He’s also a point guard too, but has the added benefit of the cutest daughter in the world that could join him for a scene or two…

Dwyane Wade – Almost threw him on this position, but he lacks a good beard.

Kobe Bryant – See comment above about placing young players in a movie designed to increase basketball interest.  Kobe would likely be retired by the time this thing comes out.

Lance Stephenson – Remember that Pacers-Heat series two years ago, and the antics of Mr. Stephenson?  LeBron might tell the Monstars to keep Lance’s talent as retribution.  There’s good film, I tell ya.

I’m gonna add two forwards, without a good sense of who is what, particularly since Ewing and Barkley played the same position as a power forward/center combo.  For that matter, assume any of the following three could play any frontcourt position.

Forward #1 – Blake Griffin, LA Clippers

Forward #2 – DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings

Griffin makes infinite sense, not only because of how explosive his playing style is (the Monstar would likely come with rocket shoes), but his marketability is ridiculously high.  I don’t care if he does commercials for Kia and Gamefly, it works.

Many of you are wondering about DeMarcus Cousins I’m sure.  Here’s my pitch: first, he’s a young guy who’s known for being a giant pain in the a**.  I would love the scenes of him telling his coaches that he’s all good, despite bumbling around on court after losing his talent.  That his coach would likely be George Karl, who very publicly tried to trade him over the past two months, would be a great filming story (headline reads “Cousins Hates Losing Talent in Front of Karl, Even on Film”).  Furthermore, Space Jam pros will remember Patrick Ewing going through a psychiatrist appointment in search of his lost talent.  In a similar scene, Cousins would be tearing up the couch.  Who doesn’t want to see him blow off a little steam?

Other Ideas

Kevin Love – This might be fun.  LeBron gives him back his talent with the line “you better use this next year man, cuz I ain’t carrying this team anymore.”

Carmelo Anthony – Might be good to have another Class of 2003 in there, but would aliens want the talent of a guy who is definitely not a team player?

Kevin Durant – Having the consensus #2 star in the NBA in the movie would be a good idea, and the Monstar version would have extremely long arms, but he doesn’t add nearly the personality of Griffin or Cousins.

Paul Pierce – Spitting the truth throughout the movie.  Worth some consideration.

Dirk Nowitzki – Having a Monstar with a German accent would be fun…

Tim Duncan – I think I could see him pulling off the acting the best, he’ll just fix the camera with that somewhat blank look he does every once in a while and…magic.

Amare Stoudemire – It might be fun to have one alien take Stoudemire’s “talent”, give it a test run, and then give it back in disgust.

Center – Joakim Noah, Chicago Bulls

I’m proud of this one.  First, do we think Noah and LeBron could coexist on set given their tough playoff series?  I’m betting not without some serious friction, so we have some great media fodder right there.  But, the real clincher is CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW UGLY WEIRD LOOKING THIS MONSTAR WOULD BE!?  It would be truly glorious, even if Noah doesn’t bring the spindly build that Bradley graced viewers with in the first movie.

Other Ideas

Anthony Davis – Have to love The Brow as a natural prop, but also a defensive show stopper.

Dwight Howard – Remember Ewing’s awful free throw attempt in Space Jam, after he lost his talent?  Dwight would fill the role of large free throw bricker quite well…he plays it in real life.

DeAndre Jordan – This might also be another good psych scene given his about-face in free agency this month.  Maybe we could shoe-horn a few lines for Mark Cuban saying “yeah, after seeing this sharp decline, I’m sure glad he bailed on me a few years back.”

Timofey Mozgov – A gangly white dude who has been dunked on a lot is a must consideration given Bradley’s original role, though I have no doubt the script read-throughs with Mozgov would be painful.

There’s one last role to be filled.

LeBron’s Golf Partner – In Space Jam, this was Larry Bird, who told MJ how much he enjoyed retirement and playing golf in his free time.

This would no doubt have to be Shaq.  For one, they overlapped enough, and watching Shaq swing a golf club on television would be something.  Alternatively, it could be Charles Barkley, but he’s just a little too before LeBron’s time.

Lastly, there is a moment in Space Jam when, on TV, commentator Jim Rome is heard lampooning MJ’s baseball skills.  His phrase “get this guy a tennis racquet” while showing Jordan at the plate is classic Jim Rome: delivered in such a way that you instantly hate him.  Given this week, producers would be smart to give Colin Cowherd a run for this.

And there you have it, folks.  Space Jam 2!  With any luck, it will be better than True Detective 2...

Changing the All-Star Game

This week marks the “Mid-Summer Classic”, which I’ve always thought was a terrible name for the MLB All-Star Game.  Certainly, the game happens around the middle of summer time, but does anyone consider it a “classic” anymore?

The answer is likely no.  Interleague play is partially to blame for this, as fans can now see sluggers facing off against great pitchers (think Jeter vs. Maddux) during the season.  They don’t have to wait for the All-Star Game or the World Series to see that, it can happen any week of the season.

But it isn’t just that which leaves many people to approach the All-Star Game with indifference.  Spoken bluntly, the game doesn’t matter.  While MLB created a unique (and gimmicky) policy of the winning League also having homefield advantage for the real Classic – which is the one in October (at least it should be October, but often bleeds into November) – we all know the baseball playoffs are really a tournament of luck.  In that context, what’s the point of watching a game that matters only as a break from an otherwise run-of-the-mill season?

Baseball is not alone in this regard.  Think on all the other all-star games, they are more unwatchable.  The NFL almost sunk the Pro Bowl over the last two years due to a noticeable lack of effort.  And if Roger Goodell sees poor performance…something is going exceedingly wrong.  What about the NHL or NBA?  No checking and no defense, and yet those leagues continue to perpetuate the talking point that their mediocre efforts every season are all for the fans.

For a while we as fans have swallowed such nonsense, that collectively we actually want this drivel every year.  And the players themselves maintain this, on every interview ever done about any all-star game.  Watch for it this week, every time a player is asked what it’s like to play in All-Star Game, the phrase “this is all for the fans” is bound to appear somewhere.  (On a sidenote, specialty events like the Home Run Derby and the Dunk Contest do actually have some value for fans, and should stay in their current forms).

The numbers bear out fan indifference towards these games, particularly those for hockey and basketball.  Since 2010, the NBA All-Star Game has averaged 7.6 million viewers, a far cry from the 18 million average viewers of the NBA Finals over the same period.  For the NHL, their three All-Star Games since 2010 have averaged 1.43 million viewers, which is short of one quarter of the average viewership for the Cup Finals.  While I prefer not to acknowledge the Pro Bowl as anything worthy of sports inquiry, it has outstripped the other All-Star Games in pure viewership at around 12 million…but the Super Bowl just one week later is the most-watched event in America, and average viewership of the NFL season, according to The Atlantic, is 17 million.

So how can All-Star Games change for the better? 

First, after taking all this time to savage these games as unwatchable, it would be fair to ask me why I care.  The reasoning is simple: the honor bestowed on individual players for these games is important. When determining Hall of Fame entrants, how often do we hear talk about All-Star or Pro Bowl selections?  It's fairly ubiquitous, even if it isn't the most important piece of the resume.

As far as the perfect system for All-Star games, it’s easy: eliminate fan voting.  Those who know me personally (and disagree with my political or cultural sentiments), won’t be surprised that I want to keep the vote from the common man, but some of the most egregious cases of All-Star honors have happened because of fan voting.  In the NHL last year, fans voted in Zemgus Girgensons of the Sabres, who had a whopping 30 points the entire season.  Back in 2011, the fans voted Yao Ming into the starting lineup, despite him playing only five games to that point in the season, and Kevin Love putting up ridiculous numbers.  And does anyone remember the one guy who voted for Nomar Garciaparra 39,000 times?  Ballot-stuffing is a real problem, and tarnishes the selection process.  There’s lots to like about the NFL process here, as fans, coaches, and players count for one-third of the ballots.

Without fan voting, the majority of emphasis should go to coaches.  These are the people who prepare, observe, and adjust according to the strengths of their opponents.  Their expertise adds further emphasis to any selections they make.  Throw in a prohibition on coaches voting for their own players, and it’s perfect.

There is one aspect of the All-Star Game unique to baseball, which is the rule that every team have one representative.  Admittedly, this world is no meritocracy, but this is complete nonsense.  Fans of one team will not change their viewership patterns of the All-Star Game based on one player from their hometown team.  None of the other leagues have this rule, and given the numbers, nothing says the rule will help viewership.  It should be the best players, regardless of team.

This would all lead to the best reform of all.  Less fan stake means fewer people who care, which means fewer reasons to even hold an All-Star Game.  Which might mean the end of All Star Games, Pro Bowls, and anything in between.  And that’s the way to fix them…get rid of them.