Slimming Down the Summer Olympics

The Summer Olympics began this past weekend, much to the delight of many who do not live in the United Kingdom (by all accounts, Britons are largely holding their breath for the next two weeks before the Games end).  The Opening Ceremonies, a complex web of British cultural stages, recognizable English (oops I meant British) figures, and a weird collection of dancing industrial tycoons, might not have been the easiest ceremony to watch on TV but the lovable British characters certainly made the ceremonies more culturally relevant than years past.

Thus began the two week period of the Olympics, a fun, exciting prospect where watching TV, and therefore sports, becomes immediately acceptable for anyone.  Imagine your close friends, and I guarantee at least one of them goes nuts for the Olympics but can’t be persuaded to watch any mainstream sport during the rest of the two years.  The tradition creates a buzz of cultural excitement, watching the best in the world compete in a series of unique sports that we as society don’t really acknowledge much of the time.  But, that again makes the Olympics so special.  For some sports, the Olympics represent the pinnacle, the top event, the ultimate prize.  The anguish on Jordyn Weiber’s face on Sunday said it all…you could be a World Champion, but for some sports and their athletes the Olympics mean everything.

And yet, each year I peruse the list of Olympic sports and think “How in the hell do they come up with this list of events?”  Some of these sports haven’t been played in front of others since silent films.  With 15 sports, the Winter Olympics provides a more limited menu for TV viewers.  I mean, how much biathlon can one really watch?  The Summer Olympics, with 26 sports in London this year, work perfectly for the American culture in general.  A low attention span actually helps you, because when NBC might be showing another of the 30,000 swimming heats, you can watch the gold medal competition in archery on NBC Sports or table tennis on Bravo.

 

To be an Olympic sport, the definitions are a little strange.  For one, the sport must be ruled by a recognized international sports federation.  The International Swimming Federation or the International Skating Union is a good example.  And yes, that means ultimate Frisbee technically would be a sport to the IOC.  But after that, the IOC must determine if a sport is prevalent enough to deserve its own events and medals in the competition.  Generally speaking, the number of countries and continents who compete in said sport goes a long way towards recognition by the IOC. (This paragraph applies to the Summer Olympics; in most cases the winter sports have many lower qualifications since fewer countries compete.)

I disagree with this definition, since so many hobbies have their own governing bodies that fairly soon we will see shuffleboard as an Olympic sport.  While the IOC has announced caps to how many sports they want to include, some current “sports” should not qualify based on most common sense rules.  I will demonstrate:

  1. An Olympic sport must have some traditional value (i.e. be included for so long as part of the Games that eliminating it would cause an uproar)

               2. An Olympic sport must require large feats of athleticism, strength, endurance, or other similar physical exertions to be classed a sport everywhere else in the world

        3. For a sport to be part of the Olympics, the Olympics must represent the top international competition of the sport and be treated as such by its athletes

Those are the Dibbles rules for the Summer Olympics so I’ll now pare down the sporting list to eradicate any dead weight.  Some will be full of vitriol, but why else are you reading?

Beach Volleyball

You go to the beach, and generally everyone creates a makeshift volleyball court and the game begins.  Friends displaying their large lack of ups always entertains, and volleyball at the beach for some reason always makes sense as a pastime and distraction from the sun’s rays.

Which makes it a hobby, not a sport.  I am not questioning the athleticism of beach volleyball.  It doesn’t take a kinesiology student to know jumping above the net would be more difficult on sand.  But Skoosh also requires hand-eye coordination and some athleticism, as does four-square, both of which every one of us has played on the beach at least once.  Should those be sports?  Or what about surfing?  That’s a very physically demanding hobby.  While that would be predicated on waves, crafting a wave pool looks no less ridiculous than erecting a sand court at Horse Guards Parade in London (a stately, beautiful building that hasn’t seen sand since Oliver Cormwell’s boots).

I’m fairly certain most people in the world would not classify beach volleyball as a sport and the ones that would either live near the beach or like the skimpy outfits.  Seriously, let’s add Skoosh and four-square, or maybe sharks and minnows.  You and I could create a governing federation for sharks and minnows and be golden for the 2020 Games.

Table Tennis

While the hand-eye coordination for ping-pong certainly requires a crazy reaction time, that’s about as much athleticism as these competitors need.  At one point, I played every day with my dad for about 30 minutes in our basement, and while we certainly broke a sweat after all that time the exertion really wasn’t enough to make me tell the college counselors I play table tennis when they asked “Do you play sports?”

Run on sentences aside, this competition makes for fun viewing but remains a questionable “sport.”  While I’m sure people put lots of time into ping-pong (most folks know somebody who was ranked as a kid once), people also puts lots of time into chess, which is owned by a governing body and played around the world.  That’s mental athleticism right?

On a different note, the IOC should look at table tennis again as a sport by its own definitions.  After the 2008 Olympics, baseball and softball left the ranks of Olympic sports ostensibly due to the relatively insular number of participating nations.  Another clarification was the dominance by North American and Asian teams in medal rounds.

Well, of 72 medalists in table tennis in its Olympic history, 12 have not come from Asian countries.  That’s 16%, and all of those twelve were European.  So, I think there’s room for some contraction, eliminating ping-pong as an Olympic sport.

Synchronized Swimming

Could go on for a while, but I’ll say this: put waterproof makeup on a few strumpets, tell them to swim in concentric circles, and finally direct them to lift a few folks up at key moments…and you have synchronized swimming.

Of course, swimming in any capacity represents a high degree of physical fitness, but this “sport” is a joke.  While I’m not convinced it has that worldwide a following, synchronized swimming is more artistic than athletic.  The swimmers create beautiful shapes and figures with their bodies, but most other artistic Olympic sports are also very athletic in nature (e.g. figure skating).

When eliminating baseball, the IOC president said baseball had to “win hearts” to be included in the Olympics.  I’d love to see a heart won by synchronized swimming.

Air Pistol

Once I realized the instrument for this event looks like a cross between a blowdart and the Nintendo Duck Hunt gun I figured it should be included on this list as a prime candidate for Olympic red pens.

Equestrian Dressage

While dressage might be the classiest event, it doesn’t appear to require too much athleticism.  But, dressage has been part of the Olympics since 1912, so I’m reluctant to eradicate it on athletic grounds.

But this might be the most boring Olympic event out there.  The rules are complex, there’s very little suspense, and the horse doesn’t even jump.  I lasted about two minutes watching this before switching to table tennis.  You have to be a true horse lover to appreciate dressage as a “sport” and while I’m sure riders battle hard to win dressage medals, I’m not convinced it’s a sport.

Golf and Tennis

I am invoking Rule 3 for the first time on this list for what are two of my most favorite individual sports.  The Olympics will never be the pinnacle of international competition for either golf or tennis stars.

Both sports follow a similar model of play during their respective seasons: four major tournaments that approach larger than life status not only in the culture of each sport but also in the eyes of viewers.  As an example, consider the attention ESPN pays to tennis or golf when not at one of the majors.  Unless Tiger Woods plays, it’s really not that much.

Most importantly, both sports are fully international.  Each regular season event takes on the same characteristics as an Olympic event.  Over 100 multinational competitors vying for one title and the winner’s purse.  Take out the money, and you have the Olympics.

Golf will be included in 2016 for the first time, but the example of tennis shows the Olympics likely will not be the best golfing venue.  While many follow Olympic tennis, the excitement and tradition of Wimbledon or the U.S. Open remains markedly absent.  It has also been true that the biggest tennis names have skipped the Olympics (Agassi and Sampras come to mind).  The same will be true for golf, unless both sports integrate a team competition.  While tennis seems fairly pleased with the international Davis Cup competition, golfers historically have problems with the Ryder and President’s Cups, the premier team international competitions where golfers represent only their countries of origin and not themselves.  That avenue would certainly make the Olympics a unique golfing venue.

Many of you are asking why soccer isn’t on this list, since its top international competition is definitely not the Olympics.  My response: soccer allows only under-23 players at the Olympics along with a set amount of older players per team.  That makes the game much different demographically, so the real question should be whether the Olympics or the U-23 World Cup are more important.  I don’t know enough to answer.  I can say, however, that tennis has been a huge disappointment from an Olympic standpoint and I assume golf will be as well.

That’s my list.  Contract those events and the whole Games will streamline.  Overall, however, the Olympics remain the best exhibition of sports in the world.  For two weeks, everyone watches sports and cares about them.  The Olympics blends patriotism with uniqueness to provide that kind of arena unmatched at any other point.  Sure, you may not know who anything about the American gymnasts, but you sure will cheer for them.  Should be a great two weeks.

Bit #1: Hope Solo’s Stupidity

I unabashedly like Hope Solo.  She plays well and brings a fiery competitiveness to the pitch that deserves some recognition.  She’s also backstopped a remarkably successful U.S. Women’s team, the predominant favorites at the Olympics this month.

But, she looks childish when she takes on a former great.  After the 3-0 win over Colombia, Hope Solo took to Twitter to chastise NBC soccer analyst Brandi Chastain for her commentary.  Solo’s Tweet read: “Its 2 bad we cant have commentators who better represents the team&knows more about the game @brandichastain! #fb” as well as    “Lay off commentating about defending and gking until you get more educated @brandichastain the game has changed from a decade ago. #fb”

First thing’s first…Solo can certainly question the judgment of Chastain.  Kobe Bryant has done so with Magic Johnson many times over the years.  She’s a competitor, so there’s no real blame for giving some pushback.

But, to tell Brandi Chastain, one of the biggest architects of women’s soccer in the world, that she’s out of touch with the game reeks of puerile instability.  Chastain’s penalty goal gave the U.S. a World Cup win, and her dominance along with Mia Hamm created any popularity women’s soccer might have enjoyed.  She deserves Solo’s respect and deference, not a disparaging Tweet.  Especially when you listen a little more to Chastain’s commentary, I shudder to think what Solo does when truly criticized.  It’s time to grow up and understand this: much of the current women’s team owes their place in American sports culture to women like Brandi Chastain.

Bit #2: NHL Free Agency finishing

The Predators made one of their best organizational decisions this week, matching the gargantuan offer to defenseman Shea Weber from the Philadelphia Flyers.  As I said in my last post, Weber represents the rising force among NHL defensemen.  GM David Polie made a fantastic decision to keep Weber, a man often unsure of his devotion to Nashville and vice versa.

For Alexander Semin, the former Cap who frustrated more than dazzled, he signed a deal with the division rival Carolina Hurricanes.  While I wonder about playing him six times a year, Semin received only a one year deal from Carolina.  Clearly, the league doubts his ability to play under a long-term deal, some comfort to the Caps after giving him longer deal over the past 7 years.

As for the Caps and their movements, their decision to re-sign Mike Green but trade Dennis Wideman makes very little sense.  Green did not play very much this past year and has looked very pedestrian for the past two seasons.  Wideman, on the other hand, came over from Boston and made an immediate impact.  He contributed on the power play as well, filling a crucial role for the Caps not seen since the days of Sergei Gonchar.  Such moves worry me, as defense will likely still be a problem for the Caps when they come back in October.

Bit #3: Will Zach Greinke work in LA?

The Angels made a big trade this past week, trading for Milwaukee pitcher and perennial stalwart Zach Greinke.  Greinke, a 9-win pitcher at the time of the trade, has won a Cy Young award and pitched great for the last few years.  Typically, pitchers like him would be playing in New York or Boston.

But Greinke has admitted his own queasiness with big markets, preferring to stay in smaller markets and out of the fishbowl.  While the Angels are more of a smaller market team near a big city, the Los Angeles element cannot go unaccounted.  The Angels can smell the Rangers in the AL West and will definitely be there for one of the wild card spots as well, so Greinke would help immensely if on his game.  I predict, though, that the Angels will not see many results from Greinke.